Of Letting Go But Not Moving On
by RoseScor90
Summary: Lucy left Lorcan years ago to pursue her career. Now she's back, all sunshine and happiness. Is he willing to take her back? R&R!


Disclaimer: Not JK…

A/n: Dedicated to Ninja Potter(Ninja) who celebrates her birthday today! Happy birthday Ninja!

She is the best in Arithmancy in her entire year; in the entire school, in fact. Lucy goes over the moon whenever she remembers her Professor telling her that just that morning. One thing, one little thing she was better at than her elder sister Molly. Molly the intelligent; Molly the Prefect; Molly the Head Girl; Molly the protégée; Molly the perfect daughter; Molly the perfect Healer. Molly the best at this and Molly the best at that.

These are the only childhood memories she has of her parents. Always doting on their first born, showering her with attention and compliments. Not that Molly didn't deserve it, but she was their daughter too, wasn't she?

So she had done the only thing she could; she had let go. She had let go of her parents, of her sister who she really admired and looked up to. She was adept at letting go, wasn't she? But there was one thing that wouldn't go away. Indeed, the wound had healed, but the itching scar remains, always reminding her that she wasn't worth it.

"I got an O again, Lor." She smiles warmly at him, and Lorcan's heart jumps. He loves seeing her happy, which was a rare occasion. He seldom sees the cheerfulness in her now-a-days. She says she had let go, but Lorcan knew she still cherishes a blind hope and a worthless affection for her family.

"Told you you were the best, didn't I?" She sits down beside him on the couch in the Ravenclaw commonroom. She spends most of her time here instead of at her own commronroom, the Gryffindor one. She claims that the couches are more comfortable, but he knows; she is hiding.

"Yeah, you did. I guess I was just nervous. If I keep this up for a year more, I'll get that scholarship, Lor. I could go to France to take up that Advanced course in Arithmancy!" Her eyes shine with hope and excitement and Lorcan nods, simply because she expects him to; he feels no joy in staying away from her for three years.

XXXXXXXX

Of course she gets the damned aid; who in their right minds would reject a candidate with such potential? She leaves with tears in her eyes, promising to write everyday. Somehow, her owls get lost after the first few weeks.

Lorcan waits for the little dot in the sky nervously for the first month; he tries to write to her for the next; gives up the third and tries to forget her completely the fourth. For no apparent reason, the fourth month is hell on earth for him.

His Auror program catches up to him soon and Lorcan completely forgets her broken promise; though he still dreams of her, occasionally.

XXXXXXXX

He was an Auror now, and a renowned one at that; she still hasn't returned. He hears from Lysander, his twin who didn't care a knut about Lucy, that she had decided to stay back for a couple more years.

"Do you know why?" He asks an almost drunk Lysander who replies carelessly.

"Maybe she found herself a boyfriend or something." A few words; Lorcan never knew such few words could cause this intense a pain or this blinding a rage.

So she had forgotten him had she? She had used him. Painful as the admission was, Lorcan knew it was true. When she had needed encouragement, Lorcan had been her confidante, her _best friend_. But now she had her own life, her _doting family_, her friends and quite possibly her boyfriend too. It was too many people for him to compete against, wasn't it?

For the first time in his life, Lorcan gets wasted that day. _Lucy hates alcohol_ he remembers wryly as he passes out.

XXXXXXXX

It's been two years and several drunken nights for him. Added to that had been a few one night stands he doesn't want to recall. People thought he was living his life to the fullest; he was still hurting, mourning the loss of something that never was.

"Love." He spits the word like a profanity as he lounges in his bed one morning; the very morning Lucy was scheduled to return. The golden child comes back from abroad after a successful education, for a stellar career. What happened to his diffident, reticent, dewy-eyed friend? Where was he going to bury her?

XXXXXXXX

"Lorcan! It's been so long!" Lucy bounds up to him, her auburn curls bouncing with her. Her cerulean eyes twinkle as she sees him, a light he had only seen in dreams for the past too many years.

"Lucy." He greets coldly; for that was all the emotion he was able to muster now-a-days. His fire was gone, buried somewhere in his memories of a math protégée.

"How are you? Oh, I've missed so much! Vicky's getting married, I couldn't miss it!" Oh so that was why she had come back; he hadn't bothered to check.

"That's great. When are you going away again?" She looks like she has been slapped, and takes a step back.

"I…I'm back to stay, Lor. I thought…I thought maybe you would like to be my date to the wedding?" Her boyfriend dumped her, did he?

"As you can see, I can't. Sorry." He replies stonily, not feeling remorseful at all. She realizes it and goes away without even a goodbye; nothing new there.

XXXXXXXX

He ends up spending the wedding watching her dance with some stupid cousin of Victoire's; moving from one pretty girl to another; never staying for more than a song with any of them; lest he notice them; lest he get _attached_.

The last song of the day is upon them when she appears before him, "Dance with me?" He takes her hand unwillingly, as if it was a ritual rather than a pleasure. He keeps looking away from her; unfortunately that makes him listen to the song.

"_Add to my misery, subtract your presence;_

_You leave behind an algebra of emotions;_

_But I don't know the solution;_

_Math never solved the heart, baby…_

_Math never solved the heart…"_

She stops dancing the same minute he does; Lorcan moves away from her as if he was burnt. Lucy appears too shocked for words. Tears are already clogging her sight. Tears he would have wiped away, years ago; tears he would have wiped away, if she hadn't broken her promises; tears he would have wiped away if she hadn't _let go_…

"You love me." She accuses rather than ask, but Lorcan doesn't mind; he doesn't care, you see?

"I loved you." He admits, stressing the tense.

"No, no! You're Lorcan! You're Lorcan, you can't just stop loving me!" She sounds affronted; as if he had insulted her in the worst manner.

"Yes I did. You were Lucy. You were an expert in letting go, weren't you? But what did you expect me to do? Wait at your doorstep like a loyal Pygmypuff?" His eyes mock her, but Lucy ploughs through.

"I never let you go, Lor! I never could. I came back, didn't I? My parents…"

"Love you now. You have people who _adore_ you, so why do you need the love of an insignificant childhood acquaintance, Lucy?"

"No, no, no! You…you can't speak like this, Lor! You're…you're hurting me." Her voice clogs and she breaks off, trying to gather her wits.

"I'm sorry, for everything." Lucy knows he means to hurt her. She could see that he was punishing himself even more. This needed to come to an end, and Lucy knew this was her only chance.

"Speak to me, Lorcan. Tell me what I did wrong. I thought we both knew we liked each other; I thought we didn't need public declarations. Was I wrong?"

"No, no you weren't. You just knew us too well. But you left me stranded, Lucy. What else was there for me to do but cope? What choice did you give me but to let go? Five years is a long time to wait, Luce and my love outran the wait years ago."

"No, No it didn't! No way! We can't just…we'll start afresh. We'll try again, I promise I'll…," Lucy stops short at his derisive snort.

"I can't imagine my life without you in it, Lor."

"Seems like you coped without me for the past years quite well, Lucy. A few more won't matter that much."

"Lorcan please." Her eyes were imploring pools of remorse, but he didn't want to give in. Didn't she see that he had already moved on? But something shifts in him, recoiling in shock. She really is in _pain_, because of _him._

She hugs him suddenly, tightly; as if she was afraid he'd push her away. Didn't she know? He wasn't that strong, not anymore; not when Lucy was in _pain_, not when he was causing the _suffering_. His arms wrap around her waist even as she rests her head on his shoulder. She murmurs meaningless things, half of which he doesn't hear. They stay like that for a few glorious minutes; for a few precious minutes, Lorcan forgets everything except that Lucy, his insecure little Lucy, came back.

But she draws back and looks into his eyes, "We need to do this properly; no more running away or letting go, okay?" He nods, because what else could he do when his personal sun asks something of him?

"I love you." It seems rather ironic that she has to declare it, but one thing remains the same as before; she means every word. Lorcan remains silent, because he doesn't want to say things he doesn't mean; atleast for now.

"So you'll go out with me, we'll start from scratch, yeah?" He nods again, and she smiles up at him.

It's that warm smile again and somehow, that one flash of delight on her face erases all his gloom; like a sun shining through the clouds.

A/n: Do review, even if you want to say that it's crap!


End file.
